I've always said that love is a great teacher. You learn so much when you care about someone who is affected by what you say, do and decide. You learn about yourself, mostly. About what you won't apologize for, what you're good at, what you're not so good at, what you lack and what you bring to the table. Which parts you are proud of. Which parts make you, you.
I'm reminded of that tonight as I struggle to tell my boyfriend that I'll need some alone time this weekend. I don't know why this is a struggle for me. I envy those who just say what they need and are not afraid of the space they take up. Don't get me wrong, I am like, half-that. But the other half hides. And sugarcoats... pussy-foots...
I can be a beat-around-the-bush-er.
But the good thing about having someone that's kind of in on this thing that is you, as you're moving forward and editing yourself, is that you can start to make a little more room and feel okay about it. At least, if your partner is supportive. If they're not, you're learning a different lesson. Probably:
"How much shit do I put up with?"
or "How many times do I forgive?"
or "At what point am I a completely different person?"
"How hard is love really supposed to be?"
and maybe
"What is it made of?"
It's all hard, isn't it? It feels that way. The work we do on ourselves is the toughest. And we really do come face to face with it when we're deeply involved with someone else.
My biggest enemy is the second-guesser. She always gives the other person the benefit of the doubt and takes responsibility for her part.
But wait - that's good, right?
I think it is, but the problem arises when I had a problem to begin with, and then later backed out and changed my mind about the problem, convincing myself the other person was right in their understanding. That I wouldn't know what is was like for them until I walked a mile in their shoes.
Or maybe I'd decide it just "wasn't a big deal" or isn't worth it anyway, and brush it off.
And when I'm feeling especially naughty, I get on my high horse and ride it straight to bitterness boulevard, climb my tower and look down from my "I can't be bothered" balcony.
But I read a book recently; it's called Crucial Conversations. The quick summary is that in our lives, we sometimes have to have crucial conversations - a moment when you have to speak to someone else with a different opinion, with high stakes and with emotional charge. How we handle these interactions largely affects, not surprisingly, the outcome. To make a long story very, very short and skip a lot of the other good parts, I read one thing that I've immediately put into action, and that is this:
If you are not sorry, then do not apologize.
That doesn't mean that you can't be gentle, understanding, a good listener, and willing to work things out - you can! You can do all those things and stand your ground. And feel confident about how you handled it.
Often we think it's either 1) put up with it or 2) put up a fight - we can't even consider a third option! There is one. There's almost always one. Take a stand for yourself.
DOOOOONNNNNNGGGG!!!
Alison, did you really put a gong with sound waves right there? Yes. You heard it, didn't you? That is the signal of someone just realizing an obvious truth. Me. Ok, it was me. I realized it.
But no really, it sounds good to me! Being unapologetic and kind? WALK that tightrope, mama! You can take on the world from there.
