Sometimes I have to force myself to shut up in order to carry on.
Coming home is surreal and confronting. I feel like I'm inside a shadow.
I live with my grandparents, in the house where my mom and her siblings have many unpleasant memories. This house feels dark and disorganized. Everywhere I turn, I am picking up proverbial pieces of lumber, things falling from the walls... things out of place... things forgotten.
My grandmother relapses again in her lifelong addiction with alcohol. She fell in the living room while I was in the shower. Before then, I'd heard, "Fuck this... *mumbled garble made worse with the sound of water overhead," and "Fuck that *something else...", and finally, "Fuck you!" and a thump.
Shampoo still in my hair, I turned off the faucet, slipped on my robe - still soaking wet - and puddled my way to the living room. She lay on the floor and my grandpa stood over her.
I wondered if he pushed her.
I am afraid of that.
Even though they are old and he is much calmer now, he raised his hand to her several times when they were young, partying parents.
I watched as they shakily held onto each other, until she was sitting upright and could make her way to the recliner. I asked if they were okay.
I returned to my shower and rinsed the shampoo. I tried to go back to the song I was singing before.
I don't know if that's what I should be doing or not. If it's wrong to look the other way, so to speak. I wonder what I can do to help them. Even though they are old and some people argue that they are too old to want to change, I can't accept that. I have never been able to accept the idea that you stop changing or learning at a certain age. I want to help them break their bad habits and take better care of themselves.
Dwelling on this while I shower... formulating ways to better their lives and help steer them toward a healthier old age, trying to understand the choices they've made, realizing things about your family, deciding how that realization affects you... these, for me are worthy pastimes. The insight gained from this can help me understand and make better the lives of those around me. Plus, I love to solve puzzles. I love to make connections. I also love to make things better. More efficient. More sustainable. I love how things are when they're organized, balanced.
But at times, getting there is emotionally difficult. Weird as it sounds, growth only happens from changing the process half the time, the other half of the time, it comes from changing your mentality, having a hard conversation, or confronting something you've been avoiding. I heard in a podcast recently that in order to grow, you have to let go.
Besides all this, I have actual commitments that demand my attention. Like, a lot of my attention. I have projects, clients, errands, bills... adult things to take care of. These are the things I should be thinking about. I need to get in the right headspace to go to work (from my computer in the spare room) after this.
These intense responsibilities and familial distress weigh on me, but I also remind myself that I don't have to have it all figured out today.
While I don't want to put things off and never see to them, at this moment, I have to catch up. Buckle down. I have three podcast episodes from two different clients to start on, plus throwing some finishing touches on one I finished yesterday. I have to send invoices and check where I am at for the week. Thinking about all of this stresses me out, because I am close to the deadline with all of it, and each day that passes is another that I don't make money.
Since setting a definite goal of $300 per week income, from any source, I keep a close eye on my finances day to day. It is a challenge for me - my brain has been busy. Surprisingly, it has also been happy. Not once have I actually reached my goal, but I know exactly what I do have coming in, and writing each transaction down makes me feel accomplished.
Another thing I am incredibly happy about is that, for the most part, I direct my energy towards things that I love. Even when I am editing audio and I reaaaaaally don't want to be, the content is at least interesting because I only work regularly with people that interest and inspire me. A quote comes to mind at the moment... I'll have to paraphrase it,
"There will never be a job or an aspect of life that doesn't come with a big pile of shit. Even your dream job will come with tasks that you hate - or you learn to hate. You have to stick with something that is worth going through the pile of shit for. It's different for everyone."
(I'm pretty sure I read it in The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson.)
Overall, the things I am working toward light me up inside. I am making art and helping people find pen pals with my stationery store, I am traveling and delivering gifts with my foreign food sale orders, I am learning more about business and sustainable crafting while I edit for some amazing podcasts, I am making my grandparent's lives better with my insane organizing.
My grandma can see the floor again in her spare room. I turned it into the sewing room and displayed all of her mother's fabric on racks that lean against the wall, so she can see them and be inspired to create. This is one of the things I've undertaken to rearrange and reorganize the house to fit their needs. It all takes a lot of energy, but the effects are worth it. Sentiment aside, the benefit of a clean and organized house that stimulates creativity is tenfold. It's an investment into a better future. And it's a good way to keep busy.
All of these things have a tendency to stress me out, even though I willingly choose to do them. Yet, they do bring me joy, even if its only when they're over.
So I guess where I'm getting with all this is that life is hard, but I'm alright.
*cue the Jo Dee Messina
I'm signing off...
Hopefully,
Alison
