Personal: A Balancing Act

 Sometimes I have to force myself to shut up in order to carry on. 

Coming home is surreal and confronting. I feel like I'm inside a shadow. 

I live with my grandparents, in the house where my mom and her siblings have many unpleasant memories. This house feels dark and disorganized. Everywhere I turn, I am picking up proverbial pieces of lumber, things falling from the walls... things out of place... things forgotten.

My grandmother relapses again in her lifelong addiction with alcohol. She fell in the living room while I was in the shower. Before then, I'd heard, "Fuck this... *mumbled garble made worse with the sound of water overhead," and "Fuck that *something else...", and finally, "Fuck you!" and a thump.

Shampoo still in my hair, I turned off the faucet, slipped on my robe - still soaking wet - and puddled my way to the living room. She lay on the floor and my grandpa stood over her. 

I wondered if he pushed her. 

I am afraid of that. 

Even though they are old and he is much calmer now, he raised his hand to her several times when they were young, partying parents.

I watched as they shakily held onto each other, until she was sitting upright and could make her way to the recliner. I asked if they were okay. 

I returned to my shower and rinsed the shampoo. I tried to go back to the song I was singing before.

I don't know if that's what I should be doing or not. If it's wrong to look the other way, so to speak. I wonder what I can do to help them. Even though they are old and some people argue that they are too old to want to change, I can't accept that. I have never been able to accept the idea that you stop changing or learning at a certain age. I want to help them break their bad habits and take better care of themselves.

Dwelling on this while I shower... formulating ways to better their lives and help steer them toward a healthier old age, trying to understand the choices they've made, realizing things about your family, deciding how that realization affects you... these, for me are worthy pastimes. The insight gained from this can help me understand and make better the lives of those around me. Plus, I love to solve puzzles. I love to make connections. I also love to make things better. More efficient. More sustainable. I love how things are when they're organized, balanced. 

But at times, getting there is emotionally difficult. Weird as it sounds, growth only happens from changing the process half the time, the other half of the time, it comes from changing your mentality, having a hard conversation, or confronting something you've been avoiding. I heard in a podcast recently that in order to grow, you have to let go.

Besides all this, I have actual commitments that demand my attention. Like, a lot of my attention. I have projects, clients, errands, bills... adult things to take care of. These are the things I should be thinking about. I need to get in the right headspace to go to work (from my computer in the spare room) after this.

These intense responsibilities and familial distress weigh on me, but I also remind myself that I don't have to have it all figured out today.

While I don't want to put things off and never see to them, at this moment, I have to catch up. Buckle down. I have three podcast episodes from two different clients to start on, plus throwing some finishing touches on one I finished yesterday. I have to send invoices and check where I am at for the week. Thinking about all of this stresses me out, because I am close to the deadline with all of it, and each day that passes is another that I don't make money.

Since setting a definite goal of $300 per week income, from any source, I keep a close eye on my finances day to day. It is a challenge for me - my brain has been busy. Surprisingly, it has also been happy. Not once have I actually reached my goal, but I know exactly what I do have coming in, and writing each transaction down makes me feel accomplished.

Another thing I am incredibly happy about is that, for the most part, I direct my energy towards things that I love. Even when I am editing audio and I reaaaaaally don't want to be, the content is at least interesting because I only work regularly with people that interest and inspire me. A quote comes to mind at the moment... I'll have to paraphrase it, 

"There will never be a job or an aspect of life that doesn't come with a big pile of shit. Even your dream job will come with tasks that you hate - or you learn to hate. You have to stick with something that is worth going through the pile of shit for. It's different for everyone." 

(I'm pretty sure I read it in The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson.)

Overall, the things I am working toward light me up inside. I am making art and helping people find pen pals with my stationery store, I am traveling and delivering gifts with my foreign food sale orders, I am learning more about business and sustainable crafting while I edit for some amazing podcasts, I am making my grandparent's lives better with my insane organizing. 

My grandma can see the floor again in her spare room. I turned it into the sewing room and displayed all of her mother's fabric on racks that lean against the wall, so she can see them and be inspired to create. This is one of the things I've undertaken to rearrange and reorganize the house to fit their needs. It all takes a lot of energy,  but the effects are worth it. Sentiment aside, the benefit of a clean and organized house that stimulates creativity is tenfold. It's an investment into a better future. And it's a good way to keep busy.

All of these things have a tendency to stress me out, even though I willingly choose to do them. Yet, they do bring me joy, even if its only when they're over.

So I guess where I'm getting with all this is that life is hard, but I'm alright.

*cue the Jo Dee Messina 

I'm signing off...

Hopefully,
Alison

Do All the Things

I often find myself in the midst of these manic moods that last for weeks where I try to do all the things in life. I start new projects, sign up for classes, take up a new hobby, etc... and of course, all at once.
Right now I'm working more than anything else combined, sacrificing food and rest when necessary. I made more than $1,000 this week because I've made room for odd jobs in my schedule wherever there's an empty spot. Which, one on hand, is nice because it's exactly what I need, but on the other hand, with only one half-day off in a two week period, dedicated to catching up on laundry and grocery shopping, I'm feeling a little tired.
I hate to complain about these types of things. After all, there are some out there without a job who wish they had, and I have more work than I have hours in the day. Plus, I brought all this on myself and even sought it out. But it does make me question whether I have become a slave to east coast, American culture, joining the rat race and working too much, not having time to do much else. Yesterday, after a day of interior house-painting work, I stayed home to rest instead of accepting the free concert tickets a friend gave me. I know I haven't been out of the house much lately because there are no recent pictures on my phone and I can hardly remember the last 10 days. Again, I'm not complaining. It's only been a select amount of time, it's just curious to me how it has transpired without me being totally conscious of it.
In any case, I've been working, and I'm grateful. I've also been trying to find the time to do things I'm passionate about in between, although they're more like work-things, too. I've been thinking about writing and illustrating a children's book for a little while now. Earlier this year I wanted to write a novel, but I know I don't have the time, stability, or dedication for that at this point in my life. Maybe in a couple years. But I do enjoy children's books a lot; I read them often since I'm a nanny. I've even found myself checking them out at the library, not for my kids, but for me.
There are certain ones that do leave an impression on me. You can move people with a children's book, it doesn't have to be immature or silly. It can be profound and important; in fact, many are. So I have an idea and a concept for a children's book, and I'd like to illustrate it myself (I'm not an amazing artist, but I do like to mess around with watercolor and I think I could do a decent enough job at it), and although I don't know what my timeline is for this project, I'm sure I'll figure out how to make it happen. Luckily, I have a friend here in Jersey who is a writer. I've already pitched the idea and she's agreed to help me write it. I hope I can stay committed to it and that it comes to fruition, because imagine being a published author!
I also decided to start my own podcast. I have so many things to say and share. I want to teach people how to learn a second language for free, I want to share all of the great resources there are out there! I also want to talk about culture and share the connections I've made from all over and some of the things I have learned. I have so many episodes planned, from how to manage finances before and during travels, to which apps to use to learn new languages, and interviews with people from all over the place.
The podcast is called TraveLingo and it'll be up on Spotify soon, hopefully followed by Apple Podcasts. You can also listen here on the blog, as it will send the post automatically. You can subscribe to my blog by clicking "Subscribe" at the top of the page, and you'll get an email when I make a new post.
This week I'm going to relax a bit, and take the evenings off to stay at home, cook meals, and take care of myself more.
Do you guys ever feel like doing all the things? Does anyone else experience these manic episodes of "don't have time to sleep"?
In a way, I think it's a good thing. It may be a little taxing but I'm alright, and I'm getting a lot done, and doing big things that make me feel like I'm contributing to something. If not contributing, at least expressing myself in a tangible way and putting it out into the world.
Let me know what you guys think. Email me at alimaglaughlin@gmail.com, or comment on the thread. And subscribe to my podcast! (But if you do, I'll ask for feedback. Prepare to be brutally honest.)