Personal: A Balancing Act

 Sometimes I have to force myself to shut up in order to carry on. 

Coming home is surreal and confronting. I feel like I'm inside a shadow. 

I live with my grandparents, in the house where my mom and her siblings have many unpleasant memories. This house feels dark and disorganized. Everywhere I turn, I am picking up proverbial pieces of lumber, things falling from the walls... things out of place... things forgotten.

My grandmother relapses again in her lifelong addiction with alcohol. She fell in the living room while I was in the shower. Before then, I'd heard, "Fuck this... *mumbled garble made worse with the sound of water overhead," and "Fuck that *something else...", and finally, "Fuck you!" and a thump.

Shampoo still in my hair, I turned off the faucet, slipped on my robe - still soaking wet - and puddled my way to the living room. She lay on the floor and my grandpa stood over her. 

I wondered if he pushed her. 

I am afraid of that. 

Even though they are old and he is much calmer now, he raised his hand to her several times when they were young, partying parents.

I watched as they shakily held onto each other, until she was sitting upright and could make her way to the recliner. I asked if they were okay. 

I returned to my shower and rinsed the shampoo. I tried to go back to the song I was singing before.

I don't know if that's what I should be doing or not. If it's wrong to look the other way, so to speak. I wonder what I can do to help them. Even though they are old and some people argue that they are too old to want to change, I can't accept that. I have never been able to accept the idea that you stop changing or learning at a certain age. I want to help them break their bad habits and take better care of themselves.

Dwelling on this while I shower... formulating ways to better their lives and help steer them toward a healthier old age, trying to understand the choices they've made, realizing things about your family, deciding how that realization affects you... these, for me are worthy pastimes. The insight gained from this can help me understand and make better the lives of those around me. Plus, I love to solve puzzles. I love to make connections. I also love to make things better. More efficient. More sustainable. I love how things are when they're organized, balanced. 

But at times, getting there is emotionally difficult. Weird as it sounds, growth only happens from changing the process half the time, the other half of the time, it comes from changing your mentality, having a hard conversation, or confronting something you've been avoiding. I heard in a podcast recently that in order to grow, you have to let go.

Besides all this, I have actual commitments that demand my attention. Like, a lot of my attention. I have projects, clients, errands, bills... adult things to take care of. These are the things I should be thinking about. I need to get in the right headspace to go to work (from my computer in the spare room) after this.

These intense responsibilities and familial distress weigh on me, but I also remind myself that I don't have to have it all figured out today.

While I don't want to put things off and never see to them, at this moment, I have to catch up. Buckle down. I have three podcast episodes from two different clients to start on, plus throwing some finishing touches on one I finished yesterday. I have to send invoices and check where I am at for the week. Thinking about all of this stresses me out, because I am close to the deadline with all of it, and each day that passes is another that I don't make money.

Since setting a definite goal of $300 per week income, from any source, I keep a close eye on my finances day to day. It is a challenge for me - my brain has been busy. Surprisingly, it has also been happy. Not once have I actually reached my goal, but I know exactly what I do have coming in, and writing each transaction down makes me feel accomplished.

Another thing I am incredibly happy about is that, for the most part, I direct my energy towards things that I love. Even when I am editing audio and I reaaaaaally don't want to be, the content is at least interesting because I only work regularly with people that interest and inspire me. A quote comes to mind at the moment... I'll have to paraphrase it, 

"There will never be a job or an aspect of life that doesn't come with a big pile of shit. Even your dream job will come with tasks that you hate - or you learn to hate. You have to stick with something that is worth going through the pile of shit for. It's different for everyone." 

(I'm pretty sure I read it in The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson.)

Overall, the things I am working toward light me up inside. I am making art and helping people find pen pals with my stationery store, I am traveling and delivering gifts with my foreign food sale orders, I am learning more about business and sustainable crafting while I edit for some amazing podcasts, I am making my grandparent's lives better with my insane organizing. 

My grandma can see the floor again in her spare room. I turned it into the sewing room and displayed all of her mother's fabric on racks that lean against the wall, so she can see them and be inspired to create. This is one of the things I've undertaken to rearrange and reorganize the house to fit their needs. It all takes a lot of energy,  but the effects are worth it. Sentiment aside, the benefit of a clean and organized house that stimulates creativity is tenfold. It's an investment into a better future. And it's a good way to keep busy.

All of these things have a tendency to stress me out, even though I willingly choose to do them. Yet, they do bring me joy, even if its only when they're over.

So I guess where I'm getting with all this is that life is hard, but I'm alright.

*cue the Jo Dee Messina 

I'm signing off...

Hopefully,
Alison

How Can We Have a Better Social Media Experience?

We all know social media has drastically changed each and every one of our lives. If you look back even as recent as 10 years ago, the way we interacted socially was way different. Can I say better? It's not a secret. Most of us curse social media, but we still use it. Many of us have to take breaks from it because it can have such an affect on our emotional health. 

Why are we at such a conflict? Why do we hate it but still use it? In order to better understand this complicated mess, let's look at a few of the things social media has changed - and how we can create a better experience for ourselves going forward.

We don't see normal, natural bodies. We don't see mess ups, progress, or rough drafts.

    With more of us moving online for everyday interaction, coupled with our inability to share things that don't make us look really, really good, an entire part of real life is in danger of being forgotten. What normal looks like. Perfection is unattainable; when you don't allow yourself to be seen in your natural state, you are telling yourself and others that it's not okay to not be perfect. Share the blurry pictures! Let's see the first take. Let's see more of you enjoying yourself and feeling natural and fully expressed! Post it, even if it doesn't match your color theme, if it shows your lumpy stomach or if you have a pimple. This is life, baby. And when others post an unflattering pic, try not to pass judgement. This will help you allow yourself more freedom. Remember my last post about seeing yourself in others? Let's embrace ordinary.

We miss having the approval or validation of others.

    It's natural to need attention from others - self esteem comes from being needed and valued. If someone is lacking that, reaching out to others is a natural reaction. Often we are embarrassed at ourselves for looking for approval - and embarrassed for others. Don't be hard on yourself for needing love and affection. Give yourself more grace. And try not to judge others when they're looking for attention. Post more encouraging comments, cheer each other on, celebrate your friends' successes and don't be afraid to reach out when you crave the same.

Authenticity. 

We carefully craft our message, caption, photo or video, all with the likeability factor in mind.

    Although its tempting to tweak our posts to be a little more "likeable", especially when you're in need of approval or validation, give yourself a little more credit. Just how you show up is fine! Just how you look is perfect! Your sense of humor is on point! If you be your natural self more often, you'll attract people similar to you and you'll start to see more of yourself in the world, maybe you'll notice that you start to feel like you belong, like there's room for you. And by being your natural self, you might be that feeling of belonging for others.

Thinking before you speak.

We miss when words had consequences.

    A lot of people say things online that they'd never have the courage to say in real life. Shit, probably all of us do. Good or bad, there's a lot more social status risk when saying things to someone's face. What if they break up with you? What if you confess your love and they don't feel the same? What if you get hit? Fired? What if they don't agree? What if you cause a scene? There are so many unknowns in real life, but almost no consequences to typing a quick reply. After a while, we can get kind of used to that and we don't really think twice about it anymore. 

What does this mean for you? Well, for one thing, try not to take it personally. Another thing you can do is be very honest in your reply. Type what you feel. I don't mean in a way that attacks them, shames them or insults their character. Maybe something as simple as "That comment really hurt my feelings. Do you really think _____ about me?" Don't be afraid to post it publicly if they did, it might be the first time someone else sees that type of honest, authentic interaction online.

   *Story time* Yesterday, in my DMs, a close friend and I got into a heated conversation about politics. I felt like she was accusatory and aggressive, and she was hurting my feelings. So that's what I told her. After that, we went back and forth for a little while about the content of the post in a way that was much more manageable for me. Eventually it ended with "I can respect your opinion even though I hold a different one." I felt like that was much more productive than some of the other interactions I've had in the past, and I believe it's because I was honest and admitted that her words affected me.

We miss being heard.

Our voices can get lost in the crowd.

    Sadly, because there is so much information to sort through, it is easy to feel like your post, your photo, your opinion doesn't matter and isn't heard. It goes way down on the bottom of the timeline and you get no interaction. To battle this, it helps to find a smaller group where you can contribute to conversation that everyone is interested in. Social media apps themselves can't replace the feeling of community, but there are ways to find strong communities inside of these apps. You might have to do some digging to find the right group, you might have to make your own, you might have to clean up the list of who you're following and try to seek out new people with similar interests, but working to find a group that you can add something to can be really helpful in feeling like your presence online is valuable and in creating an enjoyable atmosphere for yourself.

So overall, what can we do?? We can be more ourselves. We can try to have more fun online, be silly! We can be more honest, whether that's lovely honesty or the harder to swallow kind. We can be more respectful. We can take less to heart. We can trust ourselves, share our story, encourage others, discover small businesses, support artists, stand up for what's right and gracefully and joyfully navigate these social waters that are today's world. 

Take heart! There's lots we can do to spread love. I'm looking forward to seeing more of you.

Xx, Alison

Accept Yourself and Your Human Nature, Seeing Yourself in Others

The graphics for this article all come from WAM's Share Your Story Collection. Each one is a declaration of one possible way to see the world. We all decide what our narrative will be. What's your story? Copy the picture at the very end of the article to make your own declaration or find a blank one on @wampod 's Instagram page. Share with us how you are interacting with the World Around You.

Do Not Apologize

I've always said that love is a great teacher. You learn so much when you care about someone who is affected by what you say, do and decide. You learn about yourself, mostly. About what you won't apologize for, what you're good at, what you're not so good at, what you lack and what you bring to the table. Which parts you are proud of. Which parts make you, you.

I'm reminded of that tonight as I struggle to tell my boyfriend that I'll need some alone time this weekend. I don't know why this is a struggle for me. I envy those who just say what they need and are not afraid of the space they take up. Don't get me wrong, I am like, half-that. But the other half hides. And sugarcoats... pussy-foots... 

I can be a beat-around-the-bush-er. 

But the good thing about having someone that's kind of in on this thing that is you, as you're moving forward and editing yourself, is that you can start to make a little more room and feel okay about it. At least, if your partner is supportive. If they're not, you're learning a different lesson. Probably: 

"How much shit do I put up with?" 

or "How many times do I forgive?" 

or "At what point am I a completely different person?" 

"How hard is love really supposed to be?" 

and maybe 

"What is it made of?"

It's all hard, isn't it? It feels that way. The work we do on ourselves is the toughest. And we really do come face to face with it when we're deeply involved with someone else.

My biggest enemy is the second-guesser. She always gives the other person the benefit of the doubt and takes responsibility for her part. 

But wait - that's good, right? 

I think it is, but the problem arises when I had a problem to begin with, and then later backed out and changed my mind about the problem, convincing myself the other person was right in their understanding. That I wouldn't know what is was like for them until I walked a mile in their shoes.

Or maybe I'd decide it just "wasn't a big deal" or isn't worth it anyway, and brush it off. 

And when I'm feeling especially naughty, I get on my high horse and ride it straight to bitterness boulevard, climb my tower and look down from my "I can't be bothered" balcony. 

But I read a book recently; it's called Crucial Conversations. The quick summary is that in our lives, we sometimes have to have crucial conversations - a moment when you have to speak to someone else with a different opinion, with high stakes and with emotional charge. How we handle these interactions largely affects, not surprisingly, the outcome. To make a long story very, very short and skip a lot of the other good parts, I read one thing that I've immediately put into action, and that is this: 

If you are not sorry, then do not apologize.

That doesn't mean that you can't be gentle, understanding, a good listener, and willing to work things out - you can! You can do all those things and stand your ground. And feel confident about how you handled it. 

Often we think it's either 1) put up with it or 2) put up a fight - we can't even consider a third option! There is one. There's almost always one. Take a stand for yourself.

DOOOOONNNNNNGGGG!!!

Alison, did you really put a gong with sound waves right there? Yes. You heard it, didn't you? That is the signal of someone just realizing an obvious truth. Me. Ok, it was me. I realized it.

But no really, it sounds good to me! Being unapologetic and kind? WALK that tightrope, mama! You can take on the world from there.