Personal: A Balancing Act

 Sometimes I have to force myself to shut up in order to carry on. 

Coming home is surreal and confronting. I feel like I'm inside a shadow. 

I live with my grandparents, in the house where my mom and her siblings have many unpleasant memories. This house feels dark and disorganized. Everywhere I turn, I am picking up proverbial pieces of lumber, things falling from the walls... things out of place... things forgotten.

My grandmother relapses again in her lifelong addiction with alcohol. She fell in the living room while I was in the shower. Before then, I'd heard, "Fuck this... *mumbled garble made worse with the sound of water overhead," and "Fuck that *something else...", and finally, "Fuck you!" and a thump.

Shampoo still in my hair, I turned off the faucet, slipped on my robe - still soaking wet - and puddled my way to the living room. She lay on the floor and my grandpa stood over her. 

I wondered if he pushed her. 

I am afraid of that. 

Even though they are old and he is much calmer now, he raised his hand to her several times when they were young, partying parents.

I watched as they shakily held onto each other, until she was sitting upright and could make her way to the recliner. I asked if they were okay. 

I returned to my shower and rinsed the shampoo. I tried to go back to the song I was singing before.

I don't know if that's what I should be doing or not. If it's wrong to look the other way, so to speak. I wonder what I can do to help them. Even though they are old and some people argue that they are too old to want to change, I can't accept that. I have never been able to accept the idea that you stop changing or learning at a certain age. I want to help them break their bad habits and take better care of themselves.

Dwelling on this while I shower... formulating ways to better their lives and help steer them toward a healthier old age, trying to understand the choices they've made, realizing things about your family, deciding how that realization affects you... these, for me are worthy pastimes. The insight gained from this can help me understand and make better the lives of those around me. Plus, I love to solve puzzles. I love to make connections. I also love to make things better. More efficient. More sustainable. I love how things are when they're organized, balanced. 

But at times, getting there is emotionally difficult. Weird as it sounds, growth only happens from changing the process half the time, the other half of the time, it comes from changing your mentality, having a hard conversation, or confronting something you've been avoiding. I heard in a podcast recently that in order to grow, you have to let go.

Besides all this, I have actual commitments that demand my attention. Like, a lot of my attention. I have projects, clients, errands, bills... adult things to take care of. These are the things I should be thinking about. I need to get in the right headspace to go to work (from my computer in the spare room) after this.

These intense responsibilities and familial distress weigh on me, but I also remind myself that I don't have to have it all figured out today.

While I don't want to put things off and never see to them, at this moment, I have to catch up. Buckle down. I have three podcast episodes from two different clients to start on, plus throwing some finishing touches on one I finished yesterday. I have to send invoices and check where I am at for the week. Thinking about all of this stresses me out, because I am close to the deadline with all of it, and each day that passes is another that I don't make money.

Since setting a definite goal of $300 per week income, from any source, I keep a close eye on my finances day to day. It is a challenge for me - my brain has been busy. Surprisingly, it has also been happy. Not once have I actually reached my goal, but I know exactly what I do have coming in, and writing each transaction down makes me feel accomplished.

Another thing I am incredibly happy about is that, for the most part, I direct my energy towards things that I love. Even when I am editing audio and I reaaaaaally don't want to be, the content is at least interesting because I only work regularly with people that interest and inspire me. A quote comes to mind at the moment... I'll have to paraphrase it, 

"There will never be a job or an aspect of life that doesn't come with a big pile of shit. Even your dream job will come with tasks that you hate - or you learn to hate. You have to stick with something that is worth going through the pile of shit for. It's different for everyone." 

(I'm pretty sure I read it in The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson.)

Overall, the things I am working toward light me up inside. I am making art and helping people find pen pals with my stationery store, I am traveling and delivering gifts with my foreign food sale orders, I am learning more about business and sustainable crafting while I edit for some amazing podcasts, I am making my grandparent's lives better with my insane organizing. 

My grandma can see the floor again in her spare room. I turned it into the sewing room and displayed all of her mother's fabric on racks that lean against the wall, so she can see them and be inspired to create. This is one of the things I've undertaken to rearrange and reorganize the house to fit their needs. It all takes a lot of energy,  but the effects are worth it. Sentiment aside, the benefit of a clean and organized house that stimulates creativity is tenfold. It's an investment into a better future. And it's a good way to keep busy.

All of these things have a tendency to stress me out, even though I willingly choose to do them. Yet, they do bring me joy, even if its only when they're over.

So I guess where I'm getting with all this is that life is hard, but I'm alright.

*cue the Jo Dee Messina 

I'm signing off...

Hopefully,
Alison

Producing My First Audiobook

"When I first auditioned to be the narrator of 
Hearts Set Free, I didn’t exactly know what 
I’d gotten myself into. I’d never produced an 
audiobook before, but I had a studio 
microphone I’d been using for my podcast, a 
love for reading out loud, and a delusional 
mindset that I could do anything I wanted, 
regardless if I’d been trained to do it or not."

This all happened because one day I was listening to an audiobook and wondering, “How does
someone get this job? How does the author find them? Where do I sign up?” Since I was young,
I’ve always dreamed of getting paid to read. I would call reading my favorite pastime, but its really
been more of an addiction of mine since probably 4th grade, maybe earlier. So I googled how to
become a narrator. 

I immediately found Amazon’s website, Audiobook Creation Exchange - or ACX.com - and made a
narrator profile, just to check out the scene. I was amazed to find loads of books in all different
genres posted there, open for narrator auditions. This was literally five minutes after I asked myself
these questions! I read a few descriptions and decided I might as well audition for a few. Again, I
was just trying it out, testing the waters!

One audition I submitted, on that first fateful day, was for a novel called Hearts Set Free by
Jess Lederman. I downloaded the audition script and enjoyed what I read, so I turned my mic on,
gave it my all, and after a few audio tweaks, sent it over. I guess I wasn’t paying too much attention
to the audition requirements, because Jess Lederman was looking for a male voice. Oops. I also saw
that the estimated length of audio was about 11 hours, but I didn’t think much of that. I can read for
11 hours if I split it up between a few days/weekends, I thought. It shouldn’t be that hard! Oh boy…
If I’d known how long production would take…

But I didn’t! So I happily auditioned! And when I woke up the next morning to an email from
Jess Lederman, I was ecstatic. He was very pleased with my audition, surprised that he’d liked it
so much since he was originally looking for a male, and wanted to hear more! It turns out there was
a pretty important character in the book from Belgium, who spoke in a French accent, and he sent
me some dialogue and asked if I’d be able to perform it.

Ok, so this is my… second day? As an accidental audiobook narrator?... I don’t speak French, but
again, I have a delusional mindset that I can do anything. So I set about doing some research about
how to do a French accent. After a couple hours, I read the script and sent it back. I had an offer by
the end of the day. And that's when I became a real-life, contracted audiobook narrator. 

Jess was great to work with, he knew it was my first project and that didn’t bother him. He never
doubted my skills and he supported me however he could. He sent me detailed character descriptions,
overviews of each chapter and the mood/style he’d like it read in, offered to reimburse me for
additional equipment I needed, and communicated with me every step of the way. I really had no
idea how long this project would take; I thought I would be able to finish it in a month’s time, but
there was a huge learning curve for me. I learned only through trial and error how to set up a
makeshift recording studio in the house I’d rented a room in. I moved it at least three times, in that
house alone. I would end up working from multiple makeshift recording studios. I lost count of how
many. I lived in two different countries over the five month period, and moved three different times.
I’m a traveler, so it’s not that odd, but I had run into some unexpected events that changed my plans
and ultimately prolonged the process. Jess was incredibly understanding and supportive throughout.
He insisted it was more important to have a great performance than to have it done quickly, and so
we worked together to create an audiobook we were both proud of.

As the project unfurled, I learned a lot about editing audio and producing high quality recordings.

I scrapped hours worth of audio learning that I could tell a huge difference in my reading voice if I

wasn’t present, hydrated, and in the right mindset to effectively create an imaginary world with my

voice. I spent hours researching how to pronounce words, perfecting my French accent, trying on

different voices (Spanish, Southern, a man on his death bed, a Native American, and countless more).

What I also hadn’t realized when I’d accepted this contract is how many characters and how

complicated this historical fiction book would be. At one point, I counted how many characters it had,

because they just kept coming. It was something like 35, not counting extras that only showed up for

a few lines of dialogue, and they originated from all over. 

What made this novel different and added another challenging element is that with each of these 35
characters, their story lines intertwined and came full circle, sometimes way later. This meant that I
might read something in a character’s voice in chapter 3, and they wouldn’t show up again until
chapter 35. I would have to go back and listen to the audio recording I’d done months prior and try to
do the exact same voice. It was amazing because when I listened back, I could see a definite
difference in quality. It was clear how far I'd come, but I couldn't listen to that knowing it wasn't the
best I could do and not remaster the audio, so I found myself also working backwards in this way.

I also had to keep all the character voices separate enough that they could be told apart. This novel
flips between time periods and character point of views and place setting. I had no idea what I’d
gotten myself into! I was frustrated with it many times, but being a perfectionist and a highly motivated
individual, I kept at it and eventually produced the book in its entirety. There were a few parts I was
only 99% happy with, but after extending the deadline by months I owed Jess a finished product,
so we worked together to tie the ribbon on an audiobook we were both proud of.

When this all ended, I told myself I’d have to take a few weeks off before I even looked at another
audition. Eventually, I felt rested and recovered enough to take on another project. Now, I have two
more, I’m planning to continue with my audiobook producer career and even come out with an online
course and mentorship program later down the road. Hearts Set Free is the only reason I have the
skills to consider this. It really gave me a crash course in narration technique, because it contained
an impressive array of characters and moods for me to perform, all with the support and constructive
criticism of the author, Jess Lederman. Thank you, Jess!!

Cheers,

Alison

You can find Hearts Set Free on audible here

You can visit www.JessLederman.com or follow him on Facebook here

Find my professional Facebook Page here